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And Now…a Conversation in a Quiet Room.

Married Crush: Why is your face like that? Have you been listening to Fiona Apple again?

Yours Truly: Nah, I just…look, you know, I was thinking, Christmas is the time to let people know how much you care, right?

MC (hesitantly): Yes…why?

YT: Because…because I love you. I know that’s not cool to say, and I know it’s not appropriate, and I know we’re about to go into a Christmas party full of people who will no doubt be puzzled by our distinct lack of Christmas cheer. But I had to let you know, because it’s true, and also because I’m selfish and weak and can’t deal with these feelings by myself anymore.

MC: Claire, I…I really cherish our friendship, and you are SO amazing, but…

YT: Yeah, I know. I know all that, except possibly for the amazing part. And I know you don’t love me the way I love you. I ALSO know that it’s incredibly unfair to dump this on you, especially during the holidays.

MC: <weak noises of obligatory protest> I don’t know what to say to that.

YT: You have a husband and kids (I suspect the latter is the sole reason for the continued presence of the former). And, of course, you have me, showering you with the sort of flirtatious adoration you can safely absorb without consequence because you assume (and rightly so) that I will never act on my feelings for you. But I wanted you to know, in case I’m run over by a milk truck or bludgeoned with a shovel by some maniac.

(At this point, MC’s husband, having overheard our conversation on his way to the bathroom, bludgeons me with a shovel)

And that is why (among other reasons) this conversation will not – cannot – ever happen. Part of loving someone, I think, is preserving them from the kind of deep hurt that follows in the wake of a revelation like this…and there would be plenty. So, we will maintain our friendly, flirty brand of symbiotic interaction, and I will try to bend the power of my most reliable tool (my brain) toward vanquishing my most fickle (my heart).

Also, I am adverse to being brained with garden tools.

Published inNonsenseUncharacteristic Sincerity

5 Comments

  1. See? Nothing good can come of listening to Fiona Apple, Claire. Nothing!

    Secretly loving someone is the most heartbreaking, horrible, wonderful thing in the world. I wish I could hug you.

  2. Sra SraNo Gravatar

    I love Fiona Apple. What’s wrong with Fiona Apple?

    Do you have a track record of falling for unavailable people? If so, you might want to ask yourself why that is.

    I vote for falling for completely available people, and there are plenty of interesting and attractive people of that variety out there. Go get em tiger, rawr!

  3. @Sra &Tara: I LOVE Fiona Apple. I just take a lot of flack for it from various friends.

    Also, I do have something of a track record, although I know the reason. As a rule, people – available or unavailable – are not really receptive to my falling. I’m excellent at friendship, but absolute shit at romantic interaction. It used to be because of my being TG, but now I think it’s mostly due to my being unable to see myself as that person for someone else. Years of therapy aside, my first thought is usually “Oh, come on, they can do better than ME, for Pete’s sake.”

    Eh, I’m working on it. Like I said, this is why I generally rely on my brain. At least it’s trustworthy.

  4. Doesn’t it suck how ‘spilling your guts’ is selfish?

    It initially seems like the right thing to do….it always does! Like you’re this wise, honest person who enjoys keeping it real. I agree with you that it often causes more harm than good….and the person ends up with vomit on their shirt!

    I’ve had many bad experiences with this very issue. Not just romantically, but with other people I love.
    Most recently I engaged in some friendly ‘word vomit’ with my dad. Basically confessed I think I’ve been mad at him seen age 12. I would NOT recommend doing this. He was completely unaware of any problems and even though my intentions were good (trying to improve our relationship) he ended up hurt. Ugh.
    Hang in there. I think your decision is a good one.
    Merry Christmas and I miss you!
    Jess

  5. Seen=since.

    Maybe I should get my Dad a barf bag for Christmas, eh?

    Also, did you see that “Slankets” are now “Snuggies”?
    And….I SO want one.

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