Having vented enough of the bile from my spleen in last week’s post to restore my usual cheery mood, I have decided to share with you, gentle readers, a brief list of things that I find to be Neat-o Frito. What (I hear you asking) is Neat-o Frito? Well, friend, let me explain via the magic of shoddily constructed, impromptu song…
(CUE PIANO! Yes, Henry, the piano! NO, not that one! The Grand! Oh, for Pete’s sake, just sit down. Sit down! Ladies and gentlemen, never use a trained orangutan for accompaniment, no matter how impressive they are at the pet shop.)
When you’re way down in the dumps,
With all the other frowning chumps
And you think you wanna just lay down and die…
Don’t despair, mon frere, I’ll restore your savoir-faire
And have you smiling once again and that’s no lie…
So don’t light that cigarillo, or try to shotgun that mojito
When there’s so much in the world that’s Neat-O Frito!
For example, let’s pretend
You’re of a literary bend
And you’ve just got to build a world of orcs and elves;
Just pay a visit to this site, and you’ll soon set things to right
Because your book and and world will populate themselves!
Or perhaps the alphabet
Makes you a tiny bit upset
And heavy coding is your only source of fun;
Why not turn your awkward thoughts into a stream of ones and noughts?
And your eloquence will be second to none!
Neat-O Frito, it’s Neat-O Frito,
A childhood expression that’s so nice,
When just “cool” or “rad” won’t do, you’re the one that I turn to,
(Or the one to whom I turn, to be precise.)
And what if you’re the kind
Who despairs the daily grind,
Avoiding anywhere that labor seems to lurk?
If “Arbeit Macht Frei” causes you to scream and flee,
You need more play and much less work.
Finally, if you’re like me,
Then I’m sure that you’ll agree
Television is a want and not a need
But when I wake up before dawn, and I turn the TV on
There’s nothing optional ’bout the luscious Robin Meade!
Neat-O Frito, she’s Neat-O Frito,
Brunette goddess, sunshine-spreading morning host
All that other stuff is cool, but unless you are a fool,
You’ve figured out it’s the filler in this post.
Thank you, thank you, you’ve been a lovely audience. I’ll be here all week; be sure to tip your server, and please – try the veal.