So here’s the thing:
In case you have been living under a rock or in North Korea,and therefore unaware of the tragedy that befell my fair state earlier this week, I’m going to break it to you gently:
Big Butter Jesus has been called home.
In the wake of the inferno that left nothing behind but a steel armature and spazzing parishioners, talk has begun about this epic statue rising again (Easter’s not for another nine months, so it might dovetail nicely with the reconstruction). As they once again take up sculpting knife and industrial-sized cans of butter for the next iteration of gawker-drawing idolatry, Claire De Lunacy is here to give you the EXCLUSIVE scoop on the upgrades that will be featured in King of Kings II: The Buttering.
1) “Crown of Thorns” replaced with “Crown of Lightning Rods”
2) Made of solid gold and dipped in platinum, to better allow the starving poor to see their reflections as they shuffle past
3) Fully animatronic, with Kung-Fu Grip™ and voice acting by Jim Caviezel.
4) Reclining pose replaced with “How YOU doin’?” double thumbs-up finger-point
5) Built-in Tesla “Lightning Gun” will zap non-believers, competing statues on command
6) Powerful irony-proof force field will prevent anyone familiar with “Ozymandias” from entering church grounds
7) Doubles as a climbing wall and “Jesus Juice” juice bar for more athletic parishioners
8 ) Quickly folds down into simulated “Soup Kitchen,” in case God was serious about that whole “no idols” thing
9) Giant umbrella protects statue from “Acts of Dad”
10) Will only contain about 50% flash paper and bone-dry kindling