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Random Recipe Attack! Honey-Lime Pear Coffee Cake

My pears were small. No fanned rows here, and yet STILL DELICIOUS.

A few friends recently asked me to share the recipe for my coffee cake. This is either because they love me, or because they’re tired of having to put up with me just to get some freaking coffee cake.

Either way, in this edition of Random Recipe Attack!, I give you Honey-Lime Pear Coffee Cake.

NOTA BENE: The base cake is the same cake I use for ALL my coffee cakes, so if you’d rather have crumbly topping like a goddamned Frenchman, be my guest, Francois.

1.5 sticks of butter (softened)
2 cups sugar
3 cups flour
4 TSP baking powder
1 TSP Salt
2 TBSP cinnamon
1.25 cups milk (whole is best)
3 egg whites (or whole eggs. Knock yourself out, Lord Lipitor.)

2 medium Bosc pears, cored and sliced.
Juice of 1 lime
3 TBSP honey

The night before you make this sensuous treat, put your pears in a resealable plastic bag, along with the lime juice and honey. Give it a shake and make sure every slice gets coated well. I use Bosc pears for this cake because they’re a bit firmer than their creamy Anjou cousins, and will stand a little abuse. But they’re STILL PEARS, so don’t go flapping the bag around, or you’re going to have delicious mush, and all your friends will mock you behind your back.

You monster.

Let those bad boys macerate in the fridge overnight, and don’t go poking or prodding them. They’re PEARS.


  1. Preheat oven to 350°F.
  2. Combine all dry ingredients in a large mixing bowl and mix like nobody’s watching. Feel free to use less cinnamon if you hate deliciousness and our freedom.
  3. Make a well in the dry ingredients (with a spoon, not your hands, you dirty bird). Add eggs, softened butter, and milk.
  4. Use your hand mixer, stand mixer, or the two hands God gave you, you lazy loaf, and mix until all ingredients are combined well. Don’t worry about little butter nuggets. AND DON’T OVERMIX, CAP’N CUISINART.
  5. Spread the mixture in a well-greased 9″ x 13″ baking pan with nice high sides.
  6. Top with pear slices. I find that fanned rows work best, because then everyone gets a little bit of pear in every piece of cake. GODDAMNED RIGHT I’M FANCY.
  7. Bake for 40 to 45 minutes, or until firm.
  8. Let the cake cool for about ten minutes, then serve warm with coffee.
  9. Extort favors and love from your friends with promises of additional future cakes.

This cake will keep well, covered, for a few days, but I think we both know that’s not gonna be an issue. It also freezes quite well, but keep it airtight, and once you thaw it, don’t stick the leftovers back in the freezer, for woe will be your lot. Besides, it’s a coffee cake, not that coffee can of money you think your spouse doesn’t know about.


Published inFoodYou have been educated against your will.

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