OK, so I haven’t done one of these for a while, but I am in an especially contrary mood because my tiny, charred obsidian heart was broken again this week, despite my best efforts. And as everyone knows, when I want something to happen, it should just magically occur, with the world opening before me like an especially insecure oyster with abandonment issues.
But I digress.
1) You may not promise me “easy, free online recording for podcasts and more” if you neglect to mention that I will sound like a wildebeest being drowned in Jell-O™. So I am trying to get a podcast going. After several attempts using a free online recording service (to allow callers to share their views and, more importantly, allow “in-studio” guests without having to be Oprah and fly them to Casa Claire on a decommissioned Concorde), I am not only disenchanted, but confused about how anyone can use this service to successfully share any meetings or podcasts of significant length. I suspect that the adults from Peanuts® have great success with this – they’ve got to be keeping it afloat.
2) Error-zona is ordered to get its shit straight, or be expelled from the Union. You wanna talk about illegal immigrants? Maybe discuss the fallout of Manifest Destiny and the ridonkulous idea that indigenous people are mere caretakers for land until Cap’n Caucasia shows up to claim the land and effing build parking lots on it? You know what, Arizona? FINE. You secure your borders and enforce your fucking shutzstaffel “PAYPAHS PLEASE” bullshit. And when you’re tired of doing all the shit jobs that you hate to do but love to dump on desperate people seeking a better life, well, you can go right on doing them. And around 2020, when America elects its first Latino president, guess who’s gonna be demoted to “Northern Guam” and lose their statehood? That’s right, legislators and lobbyists of Arizona, YOU. Hispanic or not, we ALL have an obligation to speak out against this fascist nonsense. Yes, immigration is broken. But wouldn’t the kinder, more mutually beneficial -not to mention fundamentally AMERICAN – way of repairing it involve a hand up, rather than a sieg heil? Let’s remember the words of Martin Niemöller, people – because it’s a short trip to the wrong side of any line.
3) That’s enough out of you, Justin Bieber.
4) Russell Crowe is hereby banned from making an historical epic of any kind. It’s a woefully short trip from “OI! OI’M AH SPAYNYARD! LOOK AT ME, GLADIATIN’ IT UP! THIS POOFTER COMMODUS IS A RIGHT BASTAHD, EH LADS?” to “OI! OI’M ROBIN ‘OOD! DON’T MAYND ME AWFUL ACCENT AND WOODEN DELIVERY, FOCUS ON ME GRITTY SLOW-BURN AND GUTTERAL LACK OF CHARISMAR!” Ridley Scott, if you keep making the same movie, eventually people will notice.
Unless they are Woody Allen fans, I guess.
5) Robin Meade is hereby ordered to admit her secret lesbian identity, ditch the beard of a husband, and call me up. No, seriously, Robin, you go on with your bad self. I’m done with married women.
Unless you change your mind.
6) There will be a trans-inclusive ENDA in 2010. Yeah, I’m all for the democratic process, but this shit has gone on far too long. It’s equal rights, not MOSTLY equal rights. So I am making a unilateral decision and declaring that the Employee Non Discrimination Act will cover the entire LGBT rainbow from now until eternity. People who try to stop it will be left in a room with six wall-sized TVs blasting Justin Bieber, a bottle of gin and a gun with a single bullet. I’m sure they’ll do the right thing.
7) The new “Double Down” from KFC is, immediately and irrevocably, illegal. Seriously, KFC? SERIOUSLY? There’d better be a coupon for angioplasty in the grease-stained bag this bastard arrives in.
8 ) In fact, anything currently posted to This is Why You’re Fat is also illegal. Also: creating any foodstuff with a name like “The Sweaty Cowboy” is extremely illegal.
That’s all for now, dear readers. It’s not easy being the supreme arbitrator of morality and ethical citizenship in a world benighted by greed and idiocy, but I do it all for you.
But mostly you.