First off, let’s take a moment to thank Mexican hotty Ana Rica for her very special Cinco de Mayo appearance.
(Take that as you will.)
Cinco de Mayo is here, and while many of you are no doubt excited to “get your drank on” and celebrate “Messican Independence Day,” I am here (as I am every year) to add some knowledge to your mind grapes before they are pressed into the wine of wisdom.
1) This isn’t Mexican Independence Day, ese. That’s not until September, when we raise the Grito de la Independencia to celebrate the true and lasting independence of Mexico. Ahua!
Today IS about independence, however, because it marks the famous Batalla de Puebla, or “Battle of Puebla.” See, back in the days after the Mexican-American war (THANKS A LOT, JAMES K. POLK), Mexico was forced to suspend payment on its loans (which were many and multinational), which pissed off, well, everyone ever. France (then led by Napoleon III, who was kind of an asshole) saw war-torn Mexico as a juicy aguacate ripe for the harvest. So he sent forces intended to install a puppet emperor called Maximilian (a Hapsburgian with a surprising dedication to his new country) to rule France’s new empire.
Unfortunately for the French, president Benito Juarez did not cotton to eating Madeleines, and so instructed General Ignacio Zaragoza to defend the town of Puebla (strategically important for the French plan of conquering the capital) from the invaders.
Keep in mind that the French army was riding a 50-year undefeated streak, and Zaragoza was leading a peasant army made up mostly of farmers with hunting rifles, machetes and (I assume) abuelitas wielding deadly chanclas.
Yet, when the blood-tainted dust settled on that fateful day in 1862, the French had lost over 500 men, and the Mexicans had lost less than 100.
And the people rejoiced (Yaaaaay!)
You don’t mess with the chancla, fool.
Of course, while the victory provided a huge morale boost to the embattled Mexican people, the French retaliated with a vengeance and conquered Mexico City shortly thereafter anyway. It took six long, bloody years before Benito Juarez retook the capital and executed Maximilian (who was, as I said, a pretty stand-up fellow who history regards as a dedicated leader who ended up in the wrong place at the wrongest of all possible times) and his generals.
The point is, booze hounds, that while this isn’t Mexican Independence Day, it IS a celebration of the determination and ferocity of a group of plucky, everyday people defending their land and liberty from invaders.
SOUND LIKE ANY OTHER COUNTRY YOU KNOW?
Yeah. Let that be a lesson to you, Minutemen and other racist assholes disguising your racism as “border patroling.” Liberty is FOR EVERYONE.
But I digress.
2) Don’t make enchiladas today, kids. Make enMOLadas.
What are enmoladas, you ask?
Imagine heaven. NOW PUT HEAVEN IN YOUR MOUTH.
Check it: Enmoladas Recipe
If you’re not familiar with mole, get educated, son! You are dining with the kings of ancient Tenochtitlan when you chow down on its chocolaty, spicy ambrosia.
Also, don’t say “mole sauce.” That’s what we call PLEONASTIC LANGUAGE, yo.
Mole MEANS “sauce.”
Consider this: when you take the Nahuatl word for “avocado” (āhuacatl) and combine it with -mole (from mōlli, “sauce”) you get (that’s right) GUACAMOLE.
3) Look, I get that “Drinko de Mayo” is a MUCH bigger deal in Los Estados Unidos than in Mexico. And I understand that not every cultural institution translates in a universal way. I even understand (without condoning) the tendency for stereotypes to be employed as an affectionate celebratory embrace of another culture.
But come on, Sears. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?
WHY IS HER SOMBRERO SO TINY? Did she recently have brain surgery? Is that where she keeps her condoms and beer money?
You know there’s a parasitic twin underneath that thing. Creepy little mouth moving and everything.