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Tour de Farce™ Week One: Cramp-tastic!

Epic, isn't it?

WEEK ONE

JULY 28th, 2008-August 1st, 2008

Welcome to the first installment of Claire’s Tour de Farce™, my epic quest to bike the distance between Troy, Ohio and Salt Lake City, Utah in 39 weeks of hard-pedalin’, sweat-floppin’ action (as detailed here).  If you’re just joining us, you should know that I’m putting in my miles on a NordicTrack AudioRider™ U300 Exercise Bike. This bike has been instrumental in helping me lose a significant amount of weight, as well as improve my cardiovascular fitness. Given that I still frighten small children and attract the odd harpoon, however, I don’t think NordicTrack will be calling for a lucrative spokesmodel deal just yet.

That said, let’s review this week’s progress, shall we?

TOTAL MILES BIKED: 38 (7.6 miles/day, Monday-Friday)

WHERE I WOULD BE IF THIS BIKE HAD WHEELS: Richmond, Indiana (“Where the roses grow!”)

This week’s travels have taken me to Richmond, Indiana, home of (among other things) the ridiculously large, unfortunately-named Tom Raper RV empire.  Based solely on my childhood affection for O.G. Readmore, I opt to stop at Readmore, Etc., a quaint little coffee shop and bookstore reminiscent of Winan‘s here in Troy. As this visit exists solely in my mind, the coffee is perfect and free, as the owner is so taken by my beauty and charm that he thrusts a steaming cup of joe into my hands with tears in his eyes, muttering about Venus and clamshells.

Trapped in Visiting Richmond? Why not check out their official site?

It’s been a while since I’ve done the bike every day…I’ve had some spotty performance weeks in the past few months, sometimes only riding once a week. Thus, the sudden leap back into everyday biking has led to some interesting conversations between me and my thighs, usually right before bed:

ME: “Well, I guess it’s time to sleep. Goodnight, assorted body parts!”

EVERYTHING BUT THE THIGHS: “Goodnight, weird lady who talks to her component parts!”

THE THIGHS: “WAAAH! WE CAN’T SLEEP! WE WANT TO STAB OURSELVES WITH WHITE-HOT BOLTS OF PURE AGONY INSTEAD! WAAAH!”

In related news, my new favorite potential band name is “Everything But The Thighs,” although I suppose that could also describe some sort of KFC value meal.

So, I’ve been stretching, eating bananas, and using my Bene Gesserit mind training for a few days, and I think we’ve got the cramps under control. Next week, we’ll be exploring what one should do when one’s foot falls off unexpectedly. Stay tuned!

Published inAmericaFitnessFun StuffGeneralIll-conceived schemesTour de Farce

3 Comments

  1. I plan on going to Richmond next weekend to talk to a guy about a tattoo. My plan is to get one on my foot so we will see how the talk goes.

  2. Sra SraNo Gravatar

    My thighs are doing the same whining after the hiking I did this weekend. I will tell them that if they don’t shut up, I’m sending them to the Tom Raper RV place. That’ll shut ’em up.

  3. @Mollie: Good luck with the tat! Hopefully you won’t have to get a rose superimposed on an RV!

    @Sra: “Tom Raper” is a name to inspire fear, to be certain. It reminds me of Patton Oswalt’s tirade regarding Death Bed and Rape Stove.

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