In the interest of public safety and not being arrested/Tased™/beaten with socks full of walnuts by the hoi polloi, I usually keep my wellspring of wrath sealed away beneath the much calmer waters of snarkiness and, ahem, “humor.” However, around this time every year, as we slide inexorably toward another series of days reserved for mad dogs and Englishmen, the temperature, humidity, and general ass-itude of the idiots of the world join forces to push me to the breaking point, and I must let my vitriol pour forth upon the heads of those nouns (both proper and common) so richly deserving of it.
Beardy Dude who already has ten delicious “everything” bagels and, even though it’s clear that I intend to nab the last one after he goes on his greedy way, takes the last one “just in case”: UNACCEPTABLE!! You are hereby ordered to surrender your place in line and have all your bagels replaced with today’s “gourmet” flavor. Let’s see how everyone back at the office likes “Rose Petal and Gorgonzola,” Mr. Piggy!
Random acquaintance who likes to make cracks about my being transgendered but still looks down my shirt every chance he gets: UNACCEPTABLE!! You are hereby ordered to buy me a novelty t-shirt reading “I see you’ve already met the twins” and/or “My eyes are up here” with a wacky arrow pointing upward.
Sweaty shirtless guy with enough body hair for Locks of Love who, despite having seen me not ten seconds ago, asks me AGAIN if it’s “hot enough” for me: UNACCEPTABLE!! You are hereby sentenced to wear three sweatshirts and a plastic bag until you pass out just like Martin Lawrence!
Swimsuit manufacturers who are clearly in league with the Devil and, as a result, offer products designed to make me feel like either a stripper or a sausage trying to escape its casing: EXCEEDINGLY UNACCEPTABLE!! You are hereby sentenced to walk down the street past a crowd of recently-released sex offenders wearing only a piece of lettuce and two old Skoal lids, tied together with dental floss!
Judgmental old bat who feels it is her duty to point out what a sinner I am and berate me loudly through her clacking dentures even though she’s out shopping for shoes with her gay grandson I saw at the club macking on some burly welder or something last weekend: WILDLY UNACCEPTABLE!! You are hereby ordered to get a clue and remove the enormous, pink, Be-Dazzled™, dildo-shaped plank from your eye before plucking the transgendered splinter out of mine!
Also, you smell like death. It’s called soap -look into it!
Patrick Rothfuss, whose next book is not scheduled for release until 2009: UNDERSTANDABLE BUT ULTIMATELY…UNACCEPTABLE!! You are hereby ordered to STOP pretending you’re Robert Jordan and release your novels in a timely fashion so we’re not stuck with a cliffhanger when you die! Also, you are ordered to send me an autographed galley of the next book immediately so I can lord my superiority over all other fans posthaste!
Robin Meade who, despite being awakened in the middle of the night by a clearly insensitive husband, remains infuriatingly married and straight: UTTERLY AND COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE!! You are hereby ordered to read this pamphlet, entitled “Why Boys Are Icky: Les Be Friends!” You are furthermore ordered to change your daily greeting from “Morning, Sunshine!” to “Morning, Sunshine! And by “Sunshine,” I mean Claire. The rest of you bastards can suck it!”
Alarmingly anorexic counter girl at any restaurant ever who, upon hearing my order for at least five lunch orders to take back to the office, looks me over, smirks and says “Is this for here, or to go?”: UNSPEAKABLY UNACCEPTABLE! You are hereby sentenced to eat your own horrible fast food until you return to a healthy weight for a human being or your exhausted heart implodes from a combination of malnutrition and grease, you smug little tart!
That is all for now. Tread lightly, my friends, lest you arouse my mighty wrath and become…