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Your Federal Unemployment Benefits Application, or, “Insanity: A How-To Guide.”

Hello,  {TAXPAYER}, and welcome to form 867-5309JEN, the Free Federal Application for Extended Unemployment & Judgment By Others Form. Please answer the following questions thoroughly and truthfully, as we will know if you’re lying, and so will Santa and Jesus. If you have any questions, please call 1-800-DESPAIR, and hold until you are a cobweb-covered skeleton. Thank you.

QUESTION ONE: Have you ever worked, or do you ever intend to work, in this country? If so, please explain why you’ve willfully disengaged from the corporate mechanism instead of remaining a good little cog (attach extra sheets as necessary, slacker).

QUESTION TWO: Please list all your former employers for the last twelve months, arranged by shoe size and eye color. If you worked directly for an officer of any corporation, list eye color as “blue-black of the eternal interstellar night.”

QUESTION THREE: Please list your starting and ending dates for all jobs held ever, including your paper route. Use Venusian calendar calculations unless you worked under revised code M3-N-U-N-A-DG-NMD-B00, in which case all dates should be calculated using hexadecimals with a base starting on Roland Kent Lavoie’s birthday.

QUESTION FOUR: Do your parents know you don’t have a job? How do you think that makes them feel? Do you want to end up living in their basement? Is that it? IS IT?

QUESTION FIVE: What walks on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three in the evening? NOTE: Failure to answer correctly will result in denial of benefits, as well as a messy devouring by an enraged creature from Greek mythology.

QUESTION SIX: Please list all the members of Menudo other than Ricky Martin. Each missed member will result in a $5 decrease in your benefits. Listing members from other boy bands will result in forced labor in the silver mine where we keep them.

QUESTION SEVEN: Who put the bomp in the bomp-ba-lomp-ba-bomp? Show all work.

QUESTION EIGHT: What about McDonald’s? We hear the one over on DeLancey and Fourth is hiring. C’mon, at least it’s a job, right? Sure, your MFA isn’t much use there, but at least you’ll be back where you belong and won’t be making us nervous.

QUESTION NINE: Please list all the secret tax information for your past three employers, including the social security numbers of people you never met. Be sure to attach skin and hair samples.

QUESTION TEN: Look, I shouldn’t be tellin’ you dis, but Tony Infantino has a little under-the-table work available out at the docks. No, I don’t know the particulars. Why you always gotta ask so many freakin’ questions? Just put the crates on the boats and take the money. And remember – no cops.

Thank you for completing form 867-5309JEN. Upon hitting “submit,” your form will be sent to our office, where we will review your application and then lose it, unless we think you sound cute based on your name and demographics. Please allow four to six weeks for processing, during which time you can subsist on a variety of delicious plants and animals indigenous to your city by following the guide at

Published inAmericaIdiotsIll-conceived schemesNonsenseNot-so-fun stuffPoliticsRantsUnacceptableWTF?

One Comment

  1. It’s funny because it’s true.

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